The Novices Guide To The Breed (Part 2)
by Steve Foran
THE LEARNING CURVE
(Taken with permission from Crewe & Nth. Staffs Newsletter - in case readers have forgotten
what a Dog Show is)
Hi again - If you recall I gave a precise pen picture for all novices to follow in their efforts to reach the very top in the show world. Well, in this issue I hope to enlarge on one or two items to offer my valuable assistance again. The pup is now trained, you have your handler and you can talk "SHOW-SPEAK". Right, it is now time for your first show. Being 6 months of age it makes sense to avoid a little local canine show and go for the greatest laxative of all, "THE CHAMP SHOW". I find that usually this will coincide with the longest journey of the year, somewhere like the Falkland Islands springs to mind!
Now when you enter the show, pay absolutely no attention to the directions given on the back of the schedule, as they will bear little comparison to the actual route you should take to the show. The only sign you can be certain of is the big blue and white direction/exit sign off the motorway. After that you are on your own. The "not to scale" map on the back of the schedule will not mention 1" equals roughly 17.2 miles of rough terrain, unadopted roads and tracks. The signs which will have been erected by the committee the evening before, will have been turned around, torn down or eaten by cows. (The first two are courtesy of the local drunks). On top of these problems, the directions are always written by someone who came bottom in Geography at school and they will not know their left from their right! As a matter of interest don't forget your survival gear. Sleeping bags, flask, torch, AA membership, heavy coat, hip flask, butties, mobile phone and survival flares in case you get lost. As a matter of fact the mobile phone was invented by someone who followed the directions from the back of a schedule and sadly arrived as the tickets were being handed out!
On arrival at the show you will notice a strange looking man, in a long coat speaking in an unusual manner, this man is an apprentice judge who is English, but he is acting as the translator for the actual visiting German judge. The reason for the unusual manner of speaking is due to his learning German from one of those cassette tapes on the back of a Sunday paper. What he is actually saying is nothing to do with the German judge, but it sounds good anyway!
Listed below are some useful terms I have translated.
DER GEEZER MIT TRENCHCOAT - S V Judge
DER KNOW IT ALLUN -Translator
DER KLEINEN TICHY LITTELN - Minor Puppy
DIE BLINKERGREATNUTTEN- Good head/expression
DAS BANGENKRAPPENSELF UND SCARPERUN - Suspect temperament
DER SUPERGLUE UND CHIROPODYFELTUN - Erect ears
DAS FLIPPENFLAPPENSTANDING LOW - Weak pasterns
DER BUTTERFLIAN PADDELN - Loose elbows
DER KORRECTTEN TOP LINEN - Ratios/proportions
DER PADDLINGEN MIDDEN AlREN - Hackney movement
DIE BLOODING FLY RUNDRINGEN - Good mover
DAS SADDLEUPPEN UND RIDEN - Oversize
DER GOOLIE IST NICHT DROPPEN - Monorchid
DIE TIMENWARPENSTUKKEN - U K club member
DIE PAINEN INT REKTUMEN - The K C
DAS JOBSWORTHUN (PAINEN IN REKTUMEN) - K C rep
DIE NECKBITTER UND DRINKENMAKEN MERRY - 2 Day Show do
DAS BLUENRINSEN UND TWINSET - League committee member
OK, I hope my translations have helped you to understand what's going on.
You are at the show, everything is happening at 100 miles an hour and you've been to the loo at least seven times.
Puppy will do a great individual, apart from not showing it's teeth, keeping it's ears down and bunny hopping that is! This is the time when your handler comes into his own. He will have devised a secret method of communicating which only he knows, so, when he nods his head, this means do a handstand whilst whistling happily. If he puts his arm up in the air, you should drop to all fours and crawl around behind others jumping up every 4-5 paces shouting the dog's name. He will then glare at you, this means you should now be in two places at once! EASY really! Finally, when the judging is over he will stand with his hands on his hips, panting, perspiring and generally looking ill. This final sign indicates he wants a coca cola!
The explanations will come thick and fast, but please remember it is only a hobby and your dog isn't really that bad.
On a more general note to finish this section of a "guide for novices", a new type of surveying is being introduced from 1st April. It is called surveying for handlers.
The panel are: Sheila Rankin, Judy Pilling, Olive Hickson & Wendy Stevens. These four ladies have been chosen for their experience, knowledge and the fact that their characters are totally unblemished (at the moment).The idea stems from some of the dreadful sights we have to endure year in, year out, at the nice summer shows, yes fellas, the habit of undressing when you are hot.
The followmg will now apply:-
When the British Summer arrives (between June and
July) each male handler must adopt the following strict
code of ethics.
No beer Sunbed Sessions Exercise regime
Neat hair (facial, chest, legs etc.)
Quality summerwear, (no towelling shorts)
Following this, each handler must apply to be surveyed. The panel will be looking for firm bums, tanned legs, good hairstyles and politeness.
1.
Class 1 - Allowed to remove jeans on hot days. Firm muscular tanned legs. Chest hair (optional). Allowed to wear running vests. Smart short socks and trainers. Full head of smart well kept hair, washed and brushed.
Class 1 - Allowed to remove jeans on hot days. Firm muscular tanned legs. Chest hair (optional). Allowed to wear running vests. Smart short socks and trainers. Full head of smart well kept hair, washed and brushed.2.Class 2 - Allowed to wear shorts, providing the legs are tanned and not white. Chest hair must be kept covered. Slight paunch allowed. Thinning hair will require a cap. No sunglasses. Deodorant must be used.
Class 2 - Allowed to wear shorts, providing the legs are tanned and not white. Chest hair must be kept covered. Slight paunch allowed. Thinning hair will require a cap. No sunglasses. Deodorant must be used.3.Class 3 - White legged, hence jogging bottoms must be worn at all times. Certain amount of style in choice of clothing will help to rescue the case. After-shave and deodorant must be used, (sparingly).
Class 3 - White legged, hence jogging bottoms must be worn at all times. Certain amount of style in choice of clothing will help to rescue the case. After-shave and deodorant must be used, (sparingly).4.Class 4 - This is really a fail, the applicant will be thin or overweight. Very serious. He will wear those towelling shorts with a white trim, nylon shirt - vest underneath, dark socks and plimsolls. He usually wears a leather glove on one hand, (for some reason). He will probably sport a nice "DA" haircut.
Class 4 - This is really a fail, the applicant will be thin or overweight. Very serious. He will wear those towelling shorts with a white trim, nylon shirt - vest underneath, dark socks and plimsolls. He usually wears a leather glove on one hand, (for some reason). He will probably sport a nice "DA" haircut.Please apply for your survey forms as soon as you can as we really need to protect the onlooker from such hideous sights in the future.
I hope this helps you. Look for the next issue when we can discuss mating (if you want) and how to slaughter a stud dog after you've used him.
I will see you around the shows providing I can dodge the law suits.
*****
